If your daughter is 14 or older, both of your lives will be easier if you encourage her to simply say "not yet" to sex rather than trying to get her to forego sex altogether. The message of abstinence hasn't caught on among today's youth, according to Carol Cassell, former president of the American Association of Sex Educators, especially when statistics show that nearly 70 percent of unmarried women have had sex by the time they turn 20.
Cassell suggests that it's time parents admitted to their children that sex is a pleasurable activity and that sexual desires are a normal part of the maturation process. However, she believes that children under the age of 16 aren't mature enough to deal with the powerful emotional and physical consequences that can result from having sex too early.
A "not yet" philosophy can be helpful for young girls who may be experiencing pressure to have sex by allowing them to postpone their first encounter without the associated guilt and feelings of insecurity. It allows them to take more control of when they have sex without having to continually say no until marriage and lets them wait until they feel more emotionally ready for their first sexual encounter.
If you're the parent of a teenage boy, encourage him to concentrate more on a girl's feelings and emotions rather than on the idea of proving his manhood to himself and his friends. Remind your son that sex is a perfectly natural experience, but there are two people involved, even if he's only looking to have sex for the thrill of it.
Girls Give and Boys Get
The concept of just saying no has put girls in an unwinnable situation. The double standard that's been in place for generations carries on and sex continues to be something that girls give but boys get. Having to say no only perpetuates the myth that having sex will somehow taint a girl's reputation while allowing boys to continue to pressure girls to have sex whether they're emotionally ready or not.
Psychologists recommend that teenagers wait until they're out of high school to have sex. High schools are closed societies where everyone is ready and willing to judge you, fairly or not. There's also more difficulty in getting contraceptives in high school, so there's an increased chance of pregnancy.
For girls who aren't ready, their first sexual encounter is often an empty, frustrating, somewhat degrading experience. They haven't learned that sex can be a beautiful, fulfilling thing when shared with someone they're comfortable with and with whom they have genuine mutual affection and friendship.
The ironic thing is that as difficult dealing with teenage sex may be, one out of every three married couples still struggles with mismatched sexual desire. We're all human beings, and by definition, everything about us is unique, including our sexual desires. However, even if parents have their own sexual problems to deal with, they owe it to their teenagers to try to give them the emotional tools to get through one of the most difficult and frustrating times they'll ever face.
Copyright © 2006 Claire Carter Haskins
Claire Carter Haskins writes articles on the psychology of sex. Although not pornograhic, Viewer Discretion Advised. Free reports for women only: http://www.sex-psychology.com/sample_newsletter.html |
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